My solitude
It's been a long time now, and finally I can admit it to myself: I've isolated myself from the world. I don't know exactly how it all began. Or perhaps I do. It started suddenly during the pandemic period and then, slowly, everything increased. The fear of confrontation, of rejection, of interfacing with others took over.
I've retreated into my world, my work, my servers, my readings, my music. I can't say I'm not busy: I am. To compensate for the lack of movement, I also bought a treadmill and religiously, every day, I spend 40-45 minutes running. In the last four months, I wrote a book, and in my garden, I decided to do some gardening by planting tomatoes, herbs, and a nice basil plant.
What could go wrong? My relationship with the outside world. I'm fortunate to have removed social media (not the fediverse) from my life due to my paranoia about privacy, but this, instead of bringing me closer to real life, isolates me even more. Not having a social network, having disconnected from almost all of the few people I trusted, makes this apparent serenity of mine very unstable.
I don't know if this situation is a product of the strange times we live in, a product of my fear of not being accepted, or something else. I discovered less than a year ago that my depression and my irregular and sometimes irrational behaviors had a well-defined meaning. It's called AuDHD. A sort of combination between ADHD and autism. I didn't even know it existed before. Someone told me that once you know the enemy, you can finally fight it.
But you know what? I'm tired of fighting.